On being a bad mother

I believe every mother thinks they are a bad mother at some point (or in different situations)… Does it come from comparison? Does it come from this idea that everything has to be perfect (kids can only eat organic food, have to always be clean, have everything with them when they leave the house, etc)? Does it come from social media? From too much stress? I don’t know.

I think my first experience of feeling like a bad mother, was when I was 6 months pregnant and had to go to the hospital because I was already having contractions. The first thing they gave me was an injection called “lung maturity”. Which I later googled to find out that lung maturity is a steroid shot. I felt like such a bad mother. This baby wasn’t even born yet, and I had already failed. This feeling, of “failing” snuck in again and again, on countless occasions (from little things to big things)

me lashing out on the kids: FAIL
Baby falling off the bed: FAIL
Going to work when my child was not drinking from the bottle: FAIL
Being in the office when my child was sick: FAIL
When I stopped breastfeeding: FAIL
My child eating paper when I was not looking: FAIL

FAIL…

Then, I read: the conscious parent by Shefali Tsabary. And I had a change of perspective. She talks about how children choose their parents. And this one sentence, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of failing.

Whenever I did something that made me feel like a bad mother, I could change my perspective to - the children chose me, so somehow they also need to learn something from this situation. For example, I used to feel bad about working, and I was able to change it to: my children chose a working mom.

It doesn’t matter if this is true or not. I believe in it, because it has made things so much more helpful, and less regretful. Even when my husband and I have completely different view points on a situation I turn back to - the children chose us. So, the children need both perspectives. One perspective is not better than the other.

This idea of children choosing us, also helps me with doing things differently. Or doing things my way. I always joke about motherhood, and this realization that comes along with it, that everything you do is “wrong” according to society… I don’t know how many times I heard:

whaaat you dont work at all? What you work 100%? What you only work 40%? What you work 80%?
What you give the baby a bottle? What you breastfeed? What you stopped breast feeding? What you still breastfeed?
What youuu look after the kids? What you don’t look after the kids? What your kids don’t go to daycare? What your kids go to daycare?
What? What? What? What?

Here too the list goes on and on, and it is ridiculous.

But, this idea of kids choosing their parents, also helped me feel less guilty when I received a “whaaat” question. It also helped me stop judging others when they do things differently. My children chose us, their children chose them. My children want to learn from us, and their children want to learn from them. One perspective is not better than the other…

[A video was here on Substack.]

Much love

Susan